Crying in the Rain
Posted in Donovan on 02/17/2009 12:39 pm by moonfireI’m driving to work and that song comes on the radio and the rain is pounding against the windshield faster than it can be wiped away. Then there’s the pain in my brain and I feel myself sinking down into the darkness and my eyes open up like the clouds in the winter sky. The tears are like rivers that flow to a sea of grief….to the sea that swallowed Donovan. I see it again. It was only four seconds and I try to make a deal with god, but I’m not allowed to sit in on that game, and I remember pushing his lifeless body into the fire. I say goodbye again. Everytime someone says he is better off now, I want to scream…..and my eyes keep on raining. I shouldn’t be driving. How can I go to work? Is it always going to be this way. I need a friend today….someone to say it is all going to be OK and make me believe it. I drive here and there, but no one is home. So, I drive to a place I know and walk in the rain until I am soaked to the bone. I reach for my phone, but I know words will only make it rain harder. I know you are all out there, but I will still be alone after I hang up. I stand in the cold facing the heavens, trying to find the truth. I am not moonfire today. I am not even Dana. I am a broken little boy who has lost his way in the dark.
Then I realize how sick I have been and how I don’t want to go through that again. I realize that I have things to do and I have people depending on me. Even though I feel like I want to die sometimes, I need to live. I remember what a good friend said. I can’t figure out if the the rain is my tears or if my tears are the rain, and I realize it’s all the same, and that it is beautiful because spring is coming. My tears will help the flowers grow. My tears will wash my spirit and feed my soul. My tears will build the Bridge of Fire. Maybe then I will be able to let him go
02/17/2009 at 1:32 pm
Dana, You never ever have to let Donovan go. Let Donovan in. He is with you and once you can see through the illusion of this physical plane, you will renew the seemingly broken connection with Donovan.
I know it sounds kind of mumbo jumbo, and a lot of the time when I’m in the midst of the negative
I feel the disbelief that they are actually with us. When I listen to people who have the experience of their loved one being with them in many different ways, then once again I accept that it’s not a fairytale.
We need to learn the signs they are sending us and to acknowledge it when we see them. I’ve been told that this way Donovan will know that what he is doing to try to get you attention is working and he will do more of “it”.
I know we want them where we can hug them and see them as they were. In a way it feels like a booby-prize to be able to only see or feel or sense them in these other ways, but it does ultimately mean that THEY ARE . And that we can learn to reach them and them us.
That is no small thing, no?
You are doing all the right things, you can’t do anything that is wrong. Just be who you are and eventually it will get better and clearer and wlll bring what it is supposed to bring.
Sending you wishes for many blessings recognized.
Erika